How to Stop Emasculating Men and Reclaim Your Feminine Nature

I have been that uber self-sufficient woman who had difficulty trusting that the men in my life were capable of really showing up for me.

I also work with SO many of these 'super strong' women, helping them to graduate out of the distorted patterns they have been playing out in their relationships. One of the reasons I am pulled to do this is that I know first-hand the shame you feel when you realise you are, in some way, guilty of diminishing and disempowering the men in your life.

The thing is, it actually does not feel good to emasculate men, or to be in a dominant role ALL the time. And feeling unsupported REALLY sucks too… AND it can be SO frustrating to know you are behaving in ways that are contributing to creating this situation.

If you can relate to any of this, then read on.

Why women emasculate men 

What is often misunderstood is that women usually emasculate men not because they really WANT to make men feel like shit, but because they don't know how to relax into their feminine nature and TRUST. And probably they haven't been supported in the right way to do so.

To be rested into our feminine nature is to feel open, responsive, sensual and very present to the sensations in our body. If a woman feels safe and supported, she will usually be able to drop naturally into this connection to her embodied feminine nature, and to its intrinsic ability to surrender, flow and trust.

If she doesn't, if she is anxious, on edge and in her head, she will do all she can to create a feeling of safety and protection, and she will probably move into her masculine side to do this.

Although it might feel 'safer', and at times it is actually very healthy and empowering to 'take control' and step into our 'masculine energy' (that is proactive and goal-oriented, and knows what to do and how to do it), without the balance of the feminine qualities, women who 'live in their masculine' can become hardened over time.

In other words, it is important that she can 'step into her masculine', but if she does this habitually, she can get stuck there. You know when a woman has 'moved into her masculine' in an unhealthy way: she usually becomes visibly tense and controlling, and unable to access, receive and express love and tenderness.

When a woman loses connection with her feminine qualities, she really loses out, and so does everyone around her.

If she doesn't understand that she is out of balance, and doesn't actively seek out ways to cultivate her feminine side (and is not provided the right conditions for that by her partner, culture or circumstances), then over time this results in resentment and anger, as encapsulated in the sentence:

'Fuck! Why do I have to hold/do/take care of EVERYTHING!!!!!' 

If unacknowledged and unexpressed, this resentment can turn toxic and come out sideways, in snide remarks to the men in her life, whom she is secretly holding accountable for the reality she finds herself in. Basically, she projects it onto them and tries to make them suffer for NOT showing up in the masculine role.

So if this is you, and you want to move past this pattern, it can be super useful to understand WHY, and how, you are emasculating men, and to own that it has a whole lot to do with YOU (even if it feels like it's all about 'him').

How the pattern begins 

It's usually a defence mechanism, a strategy that was learned in order to cope. For whatever reason, at some point you probably assessed that it wasn't safe to be in your feminine, that you needed to step into the masculine action role and 'look after yourself'. At that time it may even have been a wise strategy!

But then it became a pattern, and your whole body entrained to it. You developed tension patterns (shoulders that carry the world on them, a tense jaw, worry lines, a numb yoni), physical manifestations that actually contributed to keeping the pattern alive and well.

Meanwhile, you got really 'good at' being self-sufficient. Perhaps the men you attracted totally proved your theory right; they didn't show up, so you took control. Perhaps you began to doubt that men are even capable of 'getting their shit together' and showing up in the masculine role in a positive way.

Then, a while later, you realise that you are totally out of touch with your feminine qualities. You have difficulty trusting your man to step in and support you. You realise that you yearn to feel feminine, and you finally accept that maybe you need some help to reclaim that connection.

So what is the way out? 

#1 – Find YOUR why 

Understanding the 'why' is important; it helps you gather the motivation to move past the pattern and choose a different way to be. Reflect on the following questions to arrive at your own personal why:

• What is your pattern?
• What specifically do you do that emasculates men? And how do you know you do it?
• How do you feel when you act in these ways?
• When may these patterns have begun? And why?

Once you are aware of it, you are in a position to CHOOSE whether to keep showing up in the same way or to choose something else.

#2 – FORGIVE! 

It is important not to point fingers at the men in your life, or even at the patriarchy (even though it is totally worthy of your disdain…), or at your mother, whom you may have learnt this from. And it is important not to make yourself wrong either. There is no bad guy or bad girl here; there are just patterns that played out, and that can be recreated based on love rather than fear and control.

So a super important step is to forgive the way it played out, and all involved, to dissolve the resentment built up over time. Reflect deeply on how the drama played out and come to the place where you can recognise that you were all doing the best you could. Take the time to acknowledge that women and men have been confused, and that with this new awareness emerging now, we have new options.

Forgiveness rituals are perfect for healing and shifting this! This is the kind of thing I lead for women in my 1-on-1 transformation sessions. [Book in a session here.]

#3 – MAKE NEW CHOICES 

So now that you know how important it is to connect to your feminine side in order to create more satisfying relationships with men… what are you going to do about it NOW?

A good place to begin is to get CLEAR on your core intention. It could be something like this:

'I am dedicated to creating a life where the men really show up, and I am able to relax and be supported.' 

Then comes the all-important follow-up of embodying this, by awakening your connection to your feminine nature (the part of you that can soften, let go and RECEIVE).

#4 – GET BACK INTO YOUR FEMININE BODY 

Your feminine nature is accessed through your connection to your body. It is the process of tapping into your capacity to embody the feminine qualities of softness, openness, love, vulnerability and beauty; a process of learning to let go of personal control and live with a deep sense of trust.

In reality, this is an embodied process of rewiring the conditioned patterns encoded into your body over time. It may be gradual and require commitment and practice, but it is available to every woman, because we are actually designed to be soft, loving and open.

Tantric Feminine practices offer super potent pathways to recreating this connection to your feminine qualities, and also to unlocking your ecstatic and orgasmic potential as a woman (hooray!). I have been teaching these for years (check out [The Wild Sacred Feminine wisdom school here]). I am consistently gobsmacked by the efficiency and effectiveness of these practices.

You can begin this enquiry NOW by reflecting on these questions:

• How would you like to feel as a woman?
• Which feminine qualities would you like to embody more in your life?
• How can you shift the way you are breathing and holding yourself in order to feel more relaxed, open and present?

#5 – ASK FOR SUPPORT IN SKILFUL WAYS 

The 'hard bitch' and the over-controlling archetype usually find it super difficult to ask for help, so a great way to break out of this pattern is to get good at asking for support.

Personally, once I noticed that I found this difficult, life began offering me lots of opportunities to ask, so I decided to embrace it, to be soft and admit that I need help.

In your personal relationships, this can be a whole new trip. It helps to have a way to ask that is clear and effective. Something like this:

'I want to feel like… Can you support me by doing…? It would make me feel… if you were willing to…' 

I challenge you to ask for support and/or accept help three times this week to get started. I would love to hear how that went and what came up for you. Feel free to share your findings or reflections in the comments.

#6 – HAVE A TRIBE OF SUPPORTERS FOR YOUR JOURNEY 

I really recommend learning from, and hanging out with, other women who are choosing to NOT play the emasculation game, and who are consciously connecting to their feminine qualities. Together we can support each other as we explore how to show up in a different way.

I hope this was helpful!

I envisage a world where loving, strong AND soft, open, embodied and sensual women share and build power for positive change with empowered, strong, conscious men. I hope these insights help you take your next step into this reality.

PS: If you would like me to personally guide you into this new reality, BOOK IN A SESSION WITH ME. I can support you to get to the roots of this issue and actually change this pattern, and your relationship in the process!