Why ‘spiritual’ men can be such a pain in the ass (& why we love them too)…..
Whilst recovering from an intense dual between Shakti and Shiva ,in the boxing ring of conscious relationship. I felt moved to share these insights. You may relate to them, you may not.
Whatever you do, please take this lightly….
First of all i would like to clarify; the kind of men I refer to are the kind of men who are consciously ‘on the path’. And so for want of a better word, I call them ‘spiritual’ here, I am sure you know who I mean….
At some point I realised that I could only really be with men who were at least trying to be conscious, and that If they did not have any spiritual awareness- then we probably wouldn’t have much in common and would not be on equal footing. So since that that time I have only attracted ‘spiritual’ men into my romantic sphere, and really, that has been perhaps more challenging than I had bargained for…(hence the ‘pain in the arse bit).
And i am sure that many other women can relate to my observations.
Here are some key reasons why we both love ( and get completely frustrated by) our male counterparts on the spiritual path…
- They have a spiritual justification for friggin everything.
They can be a veritable encyclopaedia of spiritual knowledge. They will ruthlessly squash your feminine need for emotional connection under a spiritual concept.
They will give you advaitic discourses and lectures on impermanence when you just want a hug.
Basically, in the realm of words and ideas and spiritual concepts, he is in his comfort zone, and he may tend to hang out in that comfort zone with his spiritual concepts for company, as you ride the waves of emotional energy.
If he stays on his spiritual high horse, you can well begin to feel like an un-evolved, over emotional and hopelessly ‘attached’ being as he ‘witnesses’ your process from an annoyingly detached standpoint.
- It is your stuff
When you say something to the effect of “I feel sad because you………”.
He says “Well! This must be the sadness you have in you already that is arising, its got nothing to do with me”.
It can become like a ping pong game with the ball always swiftly coming right back in your face even if you feel that you have sent out a particularly valid and well executed shot.
Perhaps occasionally he might actually shut up and receive your astute observation and insightful analysis of the current situation, but the rest of the time you may just have it flung back in your face for you to deal with yourself.
3.They are sooo not attached.
Non attachment is a basic, well known and widely espoused spiritual concept. Which of course is relevant and valid, but particularly when viewed from a more masculine spiritual perspective; which is more about renouncing life then the feminine approach which is more about embracing, accepting and flowing with the flow of life force.
The sucky thing is that the masculine approach is promoted more widely and the non attachment issue is often interpreted in a way that can serve to bolster the masculine ego and justify their unconscious behaviours.
And what’s more, at the end of the day the fact is that women really do, get so much more attached than men…We were wired that way!
According to the perspective of some spiritual traditions it takes women up to 7 years to let go of the energetic ties that bind her to a past lover, and just 7- 30 days for a man to let go of the energetic tie to the woman.
Doesn’t this sound a little unfair?
Basically in the attachment stakes, men are nearly always going to ‘win’ over us. Even if they are not rubbing our noses in this, it is still a major pain in the ass.
- They make no promises
Yeah yeah we know, it is true that no one really knows what is going to happen in the next second. It is true that it is all basically an illusion, and it may well be impractical to make promises for the future…
But we want some good old-fashioned assurances sometimes ! We want to hear’ I am so here for you, I want you, I am committed to you and to us’ and you may well have to wait years to get any of this coming out of the spiritual mans mouth, if ever… (sigh).
- It is not my job to make you feel good.
They can say things like this- enough said….
But actually this is not the whole story because in truth…… we LOVE spiritual men!!!
Here are some of the reasons why.
- Where do you feel it in your body?
If your spiritual man is authentically walking his talk and learning to hold unwavering presence as your Shiva , then he may be able to stay in his centre while you have big old wobbles and say super helpful things like ‘ where do you feel it in your body’ and ‘breathe into it’ , as they hold space for you to feel what is deep inside.
In this way they can provide that healing balm of sustained masculine holding and presence that we are deeply craving for and which in fact we totally need in order to address the deep wounding we all hold on some level.
- They hold us accountable.
Even if we want to be pampered and adored at times, us spiritual women (the Shakti’s to our Shivas’s) are ultimately on the quest for self knowledge and truth to an equal extent as the men. It might feel icky but we really do want our men to point out our blind spots so that we may learn and evolve through the mirror of relationship.
Therefore we love that our Shiva’s have enough wisdom and clarity to hold us accountable for our unconscious behaviours. We really do. This is one of the big reasons we are with them, as well as our deep feminine desire to be cracked open, held and acknowledged by a strong powerful man. It works best when we get both the hard truth and the loving words and soft caresses…
- They can ‘own their stuff’.
An alternative name for spiritual men could also be ‘self aware’ or ‘conscious’ men. These are the men who have been observing themselves and life in their quest for awakening to truth. Whether in a shamanic, tantric, Buddhist or yogic (or other) context these men have gained a deeper perspective on themselves. Therefore they can surprise, astound and deeply impress us with humble, mature and insightful examples of how they can ‘own their stuff’ and admit where they are stuck and need to grow.
And you might even get an apology out of them from time to time…. deep bows…..
4.They have ejaculation control.
Meditation increases self awareness and in turn self control and energy perception. This may lead to (especially if they have taken it upon themselves to practice the art of) ejaculation control.
No longer is there a fear that the sexual experience is going to abruptly end, both partners can keep on breathing, connecting, going deeper through the different waves of experience that sexuality offers us. Without the time pressure there is the opportunity for more waves of pleasure, sexual healing, deeper connection and spiritual awareness. It takes sex to the next level.
It may not be the number one reason why we are with spiritual men, but it definitely makes the list.
5,They are going deeper.
Spiritual men, may be frustrating at times, and are usually still (like us) far from being perfect.
But at least they are usually trying to go deeper and have more understanding of themselves, of us, of life.
At least they are sitting on their meditation cushions rather then in front of the television and making the intention to align themselves with their deepest truth.
We want men who know who they are, men who are empowered enough to help guide us to the ultimate truth of a situation.
Go Shiva Go! We applaud you for stepping up and showing up!
And that brings me to the last one, the cherry on the cake.
Like their Shakti counterparts, the Shivas can be willing to learn, evolve, grow and deepen in relationship. Therefore they are the ultimate playmates on the spiritual path. When two people with a certain amount of self awareness come together, with the intention to use their union in service to truth, to deepening, healing and awakening; then great things can happen.
So at the end of the day, we love them! we love to be challenged by them and challenge them in return and dance the dance of Shiva and Shakti in human form ( even if sometimes it looks like a dual in the cosmic boxing ring..).
May we ALL continue to grown and learn through the transformational fire that comes out of the union of Shiva and Shakti, the Divine masculine, meeting the Divine feminine, in our blessedly ‘imperfect’ human forms.
If you have your own tales of Shiva/Shakti relating that you feel to share- please do!