The shame game and how to stop play playing
Recently I have become super fascinated with SHAME!
And I want to speak about it, in fact I feel I MUST speak about it, for my healing, for the healing of all woman.
Why? Cause it needs to be spoken about. When we don’t speak about what we feel ashamed about then we keep the shame well and truly alive.
And why am I excited about blogging about shame?
It is because I want women to be free, and I can see with absolute clarity that shame is a weapon that our small self, in cahoots with the negative forces in this world, use to keep us down. In other words…that part of us that self sabotages our growth and freedom and happiness, and which is mirrored in the world we create around us, keeps our ‘stuff’ locked in, and inaccessible, by covering them with shame.
But there is a way out of the game of believing our shame…
When we feel ashamed we feel small and worthless, and it is incredibly debilitating. When we feel shame about our bodies, and who we are, then shame holds a strong power over us, sucking our life force into its shadowy grip.
Shame robs us of our feeling of self worth. There are many kinds of shame, some we inherit, some we create over and over again through our inner self critic’s unkind dialogue. And sometimes shame is subtle and sneaky.. there are so many ways that we can come under the power of shame and consciously or unconsciously play the shame game.
I feel that we need to speak about shame, so that we can disempower what we feel ashamed about and empower ourselves in the process.
Have you had something that you felt really really awful about and you kept it to yourself and then when you finally did speak about it, sure you felt exposed for a bit, and it hurt, but then after that died down, you felt totally liberated?
Yep that is how it seems to work.
What we own and meet with love is drained of shame
Here are a few more pointers to how to stop playing the ‘ shame game’.
Be there for yourself uncompromisingly.
Shame is all about telling ourselves that who we are/what we have done/ what we feel, is unlovable, unacceptable and wrong.
Yet when we dedicate ourselves to the knowing that every single part of ourselves is inherently OK, judgment transforms into compassion.
As the midwives of transformation that we are as conscious evolving women, loving self acceptance is pretty much the most potent alchemical tool we can use. Unconditional love melts shame, it might take time, but it will, and we can cultivate this for ourselves. But it helps to ‘get to know’ our shame first.
Notice when you are ashamed
When your voice goes all funny, when your shoulders droop, when you have trouble keeping the gaze of another. These are all good telltale signs that the shadow of shame is present.
Feel it in your body
When we feel a feeling that we absolutely do not want to feel (it could be numbness in your sexual organs, it could be your desire, it could be your longings and achings and fear of exposure….) whatever it is, if we turn away from it, shame has done its job of leading us away from meeting and loving a part of ourselves…
So here is a trick, instead of turning away, explore it, become fascinated. How exactly does it feel? Is there a story line it is attached to? Hold a loving space for yourself to feel the shame and feel beyond the shame,
Be there for yourself, without compromise, invite the shameful feelings in for tea, feed it sweetness, unbridled compassion, take it into your embrace as the lost outlawed shunted traveller that it is. Give it a home in your heart.
What is the shame telling you?
Once shame is accepted you can investigate what the shame is telling you…is it an indicator that you are doing something out of integrity OR, as is often the case, it is showing you where you do not accept yourself the way that you are..
Share it in a space of love
Sometimes it is too hard to ‘go there’ and feel and investigate the shame so we can call in back up. My backups are nearly always sisters on the path who have a capacity to hold me and love me as I am. If you do not have one of these yet then call them in or hire one (she/he could be a healer/teacher/ psychologist/friendly maternal toilet cleaner). (Or join the Nakedly Unashamed community of women now!)
One amazing sister who I have had the privilege of spilling my heart and guts to on occasion, shared with me the following story.
At a moment when she had received a hurtful careless comment, she had gone to the mirror and looked at herself and watched herself cry. She opened her heart to herself as she did it, she did not shame that broken piece of herself, that hurt aching part; she met it and she loved it, she asked what it needed. It needed love! She gave that love through her simple willingness to see it and meet it with compassion.
Learn from this amazing woman, we are all teachers and healers to each other on this crazy path of life. We have an awesome capacity to love, we need to direct this at ourselves.
In the words of the Buddha; (I have paraphrased but you get the gist….).
‘You will not find anyone in the whole universe more worthy of love than yourself’
Did you get that? In other words…
Our hearts are big enough for every single damn bit of us, and we can extend the space to hold the wounded parts of our sisters too
This is the revolution we are living.
When chunks of shame become lightened and freed through our clear seeing and radical love, we become more whole, more alive, more real.
There is more space, more depth, more love.
And isn’t that what we hunger for?
Mine the depth of your being and you will find yourself free of the shame game and shining in the light of your own hard won truth.
Join your sisters in the Nakedly Unashamed Shame- Free challenge beginning on Jan 4, its FREE, it will be a container for you to explore shame and how to live shame free! Join here
Or if you need some one one one support then i would love to help you…
My deepest wish is for all women to live without guilt, fear and shame.