Re-writing the relationship script- Adventures in Conscious relating…..
Life is full of surprises and I am learning to go with the flow of what MA ( the divine mother) offers me.
So here I am in Glastonbury where I find myself unexpectedly seeing in the equinox from the view of northern hemisphere. A temporary contented (mostly) ‘housewife’ surfing the, often turbulent waves of conscious relating….
What make a relationship ‘conscious’ you may ask (good question) I would suggest a relationship is conscious when both participants intend( of course they might not always get there..) to stay aware ,open and uncompromisingly authentic at all times. And to use the relationship to grow, learn, heal and evolve together.
Which sounds great in theory (and of course it is great- I would not want in any other way!) but what I have found is that conscious relating ‘aint no walk in the park- oh no!
The commitment to use the relationship for growth is also kind of an open invitation to anything that blocks you from being free and authentic, to show up in the context of your relating, in order to be seen, accepted and loved. In other words if will bring up all your ‘stuff’ (as in all your childhood issues and fears and the whole array of unprocessed emotions that you carry about in your physical and your energy body.)
In a way, conscious relationship is the mutual dedication to create a container, a safe space. And for everything that arises in that space to be met with honesty and love.
This takes dedication, commitment, devotion, humor, maturity and oodles of self awareness.
Not to mention humility and surrender.
In conscious relationship there is no place for masks, games, pretenses. Your partner is going to become your mirror and you will not always like what you see…
For example,I would prefer to appear a easy going person, someone who consistently has it all together, and is not at all needy.
But guess what? I am not, I may be able to hold this vision of myself as a single girl ‘in control’ of her life, but in relationship I can be uptight and super duper insecure and needy at times.
(EEkkk- yes! needy- that subject deserves its own blog-stay tuned for that…)
Oh yes! Surrender is the word ! Conscious relating is one big let go. It is a fire of transformation and a cauldron for all your ‘stuff’ to arise in and be dissolved.
It requires a letting go of ‘how it should be’ and ‘ how he should be’, and ‘ how I should be’ and ‘how all this should look’. It asks us to relinquish control; it asks us to expose what we would rather not expose, to get out of our comfort zones and put all our cards on the table.
It can be pretty tough to do this, control feels safe, the fantasy is easier than reality, it is hard having all your ‘stuff’ come up, it takes you to places inside of yourself which are raw and real.
If a relationship is conscious, it will probably reveal that both of you are wounded on many levels, blind in many ways and rigid in lots of others. It will take you on a guided tour through the layers of your ‘stuff”
That is definitely what me and my partner have been experiencing, with both of us poking each others tender parts, consciously and unconsciously, all along the way.
If we were not dedicated to truth and growth it would be a total mess, but somehow..we get on through. I bow down to this man because he never ‘checks out’ and hides from a process. He stays present and sees it through to the end.
And because neither of us are stuck on hiding, protecting or projecting our stuff onto each other, and because we are dedicated to exploring and healing it, some how we manage to move through what comes up and arrive somewhere deeper and truer every time. Hallelujah.
Navigating the emotional terrain
There is no way we could navigate this terrain without the ability to self reflect and own our stuff along the way. If you don’t own your stuff it means that when you find yourself getting upset or hurt or whatever, you will blame your partner, or the circumstances, or whatever else your mind can get its hands on, to prevent you from actually feeling the gritty reality of your stuff. And you will keep on carrying your stuff around with you, ready to project on to the next person.
Communication is the key
If there is any skill needed in conscious relating it is this ability communicate in a way where we are owning our stuff, rather than spewing it our on our partner.
Owning your stuff requires that you have at least a basic awareness of your stuff. For this you must be ready and willing to explore yourself and take responsibility for the way you act and feel. This is basically what i would call maturity and, most definitely, the pre requisite for conscious relating.
Once you are aware of your stuff, then you can own it.
Instead of screaming ” why don’t you…….” “You are so damn…….”. You can stay centered in your own feeling and say ” I feel so…..’’ And ” When you do that it makes me feel so ……”.
The key word here being ‘I’ and not ‘you’.
And there is a massive difference between the two versions of expression. In the first one, the person feels attacked, in the second the person is able to hear what the real issue is and, if they are conscious enough too, will have a chance to respond without reacting.
This really re writes the relationship script to a version where two people are able to engage with a common goal to get to the truth of a situation rather than to win an argument or punish eachother.
So even though things can get tricky in conscious relationship, there are some basic tools that help us to navigate the terrain with clarity and honesty, one being commitment to speaking your truth and the other the commitment to exploring your truth together.
So conscious relationship might not be a walk in the park… but it is oh so worth the wild ride. In the light of love, in the container of support and in the fire of conscious relating. We have the opportunity to be liberated of that which we have been hiding behind. We have the opportunity to have our wounded parts accepted in the eyes of our beloved, and ourselves. And of course we have that supreme joy of loving another and feeling the inherent beauty of energy, attraction and devotion.
Up until now I had now known what to report on this adventure of relating, the whole journey has been unraveling parts of me, and softening me in ways that have had me feeling super vulnerable and unable to really understand the gifts, of what has felt at times, like a big wollop to my ego and a systematic unbinding of the internal structures that I felt were holding me together. But now I see that a deeper truer stronger me is emerging from the debris
Fortunately, me and my man and me are constantly laughing at the cosmic joke of it all.
Humour is the other pre requisite for conscious relating, it stops you from wanting to run from the intensity of being seen in all your messy, and perhaps, needy, glory.
The great thing is that both understand that the Divine Mother is having a giggle as we flail about in our stuff together.
Again and again I am amazed at the great mystery of life unfolding around me and within me, and being in conscious relationship has most certainly turned the volume up on the intensity of that unfolding and the healing and awakening to who i really am both within and beyond my ‘stuff’. So even as I prepare to leave this man and travel to the other side of the world, I am grateful for all the internal preparation I did to get me to this point of being able to fully show my true and vulnerable self to another without holding back.